Wednesday, April 30, 2008

My eyes must have been playing tricks on me

At our last monitoring appointment (where we have blood work done and an ultra sound to measure follicle growth), I could have sworn that the lead follicle was measuring at 18mm. We went in today thinking that we were almost through this cycle. What a let down when today's measurement was 14mm!! No, it didn't shrink. That follie was only 11mm at our last appointment not 18. Maybe my high hopes got the best of me. Bummer. So, I'm in for some more needles, poking, and prodding than I expected this week. At least Spring is here, right?

Below you'll find something that I read on a message board. I wish I knew the author to credit. I have been supported and inspired by some wonderful ladies online and am grateful to them.

"A Letter to my Sisters

Infertility is like a party- a big, year or two long party that no one really wants to go to. In fact, it is a pretty lousy party, not much fun at all. But by the time you get the invitation, you are already there. Perhaps it is your doctor that gives you the invitation, or a specialist, or perhaps just plain old time that gives you the nudge that this is one party you won’t be missing.

So we all show up at this party kicking and screaming. But since this party is held in our honor, we wipe our tears and look around the room. We see our mothers, our aunts, our sisters, and the lady down the street. The check-out lady is there, and so is the attorney, the school principal, and the taxi driver’s wife. When we see them at first we are surprised- “I didn’t know you were invited too…” we say. But when we start to talk with them and learn their stories we know instantly we are sisters, and that their grief is our own, and that we aren’t quite so alone.

This party is filled with sisters. My mother and perhaps yours too, was at this party once. So were many friends of mine. I am always humbled by seeing how many sisters I have here. Even as sisters leave, new ones come to take their place. I spent a long, long time there before it was my turn to leave. You too will leave this party someday.

There are parting gifts at this party, but most of us are so glad to leave when our time is up that we just throw them in our purse and forget they are there. Then one day, while we are looking for something else, we dig out a little box. Oh yes, our gift. We were looking for what to say to a sick friend, or perhaps how to handle some adversity that came our way and we found this little box in the bottom of our bag. We open it slowly, and there inside we find it. Endurance. Strength. Compassion. We were strong, and once walked through the fire she has made us stronger still. We have endured what would have once broken our hearts, devastated us, and come through with a strength that will not easily be silenced. And compassion. Our hearts have grown and now we can, without judgment, embrace each other in ways we couldn’t before. We know the true meaning of kindness, and the value of compassion. We see humanity, for all its sadness and all its emptiness and we can’t do anything but wrap our arms around her in a warm, full embrace. We understand each other’s sorrow, and we share our strength.

And so My Sister, stay strong. I understand how hard some days are, and I know how deeply you want this to end. Please know that it will, and that you do have the strength to endure this. You will. You will move forward because you desire this more than anything in your life. You will conceive, or you will adopt, or you will foster children. You will someday leave this place, this party in your honor, but you will remain a Sister forever."

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Creepy high chair

Every time I pass by a local store that sells vintage home items, I see cute things being displayed outside like painted benches and bird houses. I decided to stop in one Friday afternoon. They had some nice things that caught my eye, especially a vintage/primitive toy high chair. The store owner said that it was made in the 1920's. It reminded me so much of an antique high chair that my grandfather has in his home. I wish I had a better picture of the one my grandfather has. In the pictures I do have, only part of it can be seen and they are from my 4th birthday celebration. It is tall enough to pull right up to a dining room/kitchen table and has a tiny little seat. I recall all of my siblings and I sitting in it as children during visits to my grandfather's home.

Like I said, you can only see part of the high chair in this picture and please ignore the man in short, shorts. This was taken in the early 80's. Maybe this is where my love of coconut stems from. That's a pretty mature cake for a 4 year old's birthday :)

I think the memories of my siblings and I sitting in the high chair pictured above (with the adorable children's apron) are what attracted me to the toy high chair. I quickly thought of it as being one of my 1st 'someday antique' purchases. I pictured our future children playing with it (yes, I believe that boys can play with dolls too). Now I feel that I bought it impulsively, because I didn't get any strange vibes from it while I was checking it out in the store.

When I returned home to show Matt my purchase he said that it was nice but didn't say anything more. I put it in our home office and we went on with our evening. After dinner, Matt went to play poker with friends and I wasted time on the internet. As I was sitting there I felt as if the highchair was staring at me. It was very strange. I tried to shake that feeling but couldn't. I called Matt to tell him about it. He said "yeah, I didn't want to say anything because you seemed excited about it, but I thought it was creepy too". I was so freaked out that I couldn't have it in the house any longer. I made him put it in the trunk of one of our cars until I could figure out what to do with it.

The store receipt says all sales are final. I considered selling it to someone I know or giving it away to a friend with children but I would feel it was necessary to tell them the story and then they probably wouldn't want this creepy high chair either. I contacted a local consignment store that has other vintage children's toys and furniture but I haven't heard back from them yet.

Matt went golfing this weekend. He took the creepy high chair out of the trunk and left it at his friend's house so that they could fit their golf bags in the trunk. It is still there. He said that Dave's house is haunted anyway so the high chair will fit right in. I also think Dave's house is haunted but I can't leave it there. I'm sure we'll figure something out but I don't think it will be coming back inside this house. Here are some pictures that I took of it when I first brought it home. While it looks nice, I even get a creepy vibe from these pics.

This one above is with the tray down. The tray flips behind it as pictured below.

What do you think? Creepy?

Friday, April 25, 2008

A little lighter

I realize the post last night was a little heavy & serious. It is a serious topic. One that brings so many heavy emotions but Matt has taught me how important and helpful it can be to lighten things up a bit. Adding humor to this difficult time helps us get through it. I'll share some of that here.

Matt likes to make up names for medical equipment. The hospital staff probably thinks we're crazy because they hear us laughing while we're waiting around in the exam rooms.

First, Stirrups A.K.A. "Waddlers"

Why Waddlers? I asked him and he replied that they look like duck feet and ducks waddle :)

This piece? Well, I don't know the technical term for it (it's simply a light) but he calls that "The Robot".
Cracks me up!

See that tray thing in the corner of the picture below? Well, he thought that looked a bit robotic too. Then he remembered seeing a beaver on television recently and how amazingly flat their tales are. This robot has "beaver tails". Active imagination?

Along with the ultra sound machine that we stare at and try to decipher what the heck we are seeing. He likes to say all he sees is a "black hole" but he's getting better at recognizing follicles. We're both improving at telling whether or not they are measurable. Knowledge that we never knew we would need or want.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

No one said it would be easy

But we're on this journey together...

A little history to cover about our TTC journey, our diagnosis, infertility, etc. Pics of our journey so far at the end of this post...

The short version- I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), causing infertility. We have been going through testing and treatments. To learn more about PCOS click here.

The long, more detailed version- Feel free to skip over this if you are not interested in the lengthy details/information on infertility treatments that we are seeking.

It seems like we've been talking about having children forever. Even from the very beginning of 'us' we discussed time lines (our 5 year plan) and possible names. Finally, the serious "Let's try to have a baby" discussion happened. We set the date to stop bcp and were so excited.

Jan 2007 - Stopped bcp and decided to not really try but not avoid. We'll just see what happens outlook. This is laughable to me now.

June 2007
- My cycles had varied by a few days up until this point but then I stopped having cycles. I was charting my temps and was glad that I did so that I knew something wasn't quite right.

July 2008 - Made an appt with obgyn. Discussed history and had some blood work done to try to figure out what was going on. Provera was prescribed to start a new cycle. June cycle turned out to be 58 days long. I wasn't ovulating.

August 2007- No ovulation again. Cycle was 59 days long and would have been longer without Provera again.

October 2007 - OB decided to prescribe 50 mg Clomid in an attempt to get my body to ovulate. After 35 days she ran more blood work to determine that I still had not ovulated.

November-December 2007 -Another round of Provera to start a new cycle and then we tried 100mg of Clomid. I experienced some AWFUL side effects from the meds including hot flashes, night sweats, blurred vision, extreme & uncontrollable mood swings. Poor Matt didn't know what to do with me. I FINALLY ovulated but we weren't pregnant. I decided that it was time to see an RE.

January 2008 - 3 RE appointments. Blood work and ultra sound revealed an increased testosterone level and cysts surrounding my ovaries = PCOS
-2 hour glucose tolerance test revealed that I was NOT insulin resistant. YAY! If my levels had fallen in that category if IR then I would have needed to take Metformin daily.

February 2008 - Had to have an HSG performed. It was very painful. From the results, the RE was more than 90% sure that both fallopian tubes were unblocked. The dye did not flow through the Right tube though. It could have spasmed from the trauma of the procedure & prevented the dye from flowing through.
-Started injectable medication, Follistim
The RE suggested that I never take Clomid again because of the side effects that I experienced. He was mostly concerned with the blurred vision. The OB was not concerned with this.

As a side note... at an appointment with her in July she stated that "just by looking" at me she "could tell that I did NOT have PCOS". I do not have the typical physical characteristics. She made an assumption and she was WRONG. I will find a new OB.

Back to Follistim ...Each night we inject this medication into my stomach. The needles aren't that bad. A little pain, some burning from the meds, and some bruising but it could be worse. Side effects have been mainly headaches, bloating, and weight gain.

-Several monitoring appointments, which involve a lot of waiting around, a blood draw, and internal ultra sound to identify and measure any growing follicles (that we pray will someday be a baby). Once 1-2 follicles are mature we administer another injection, but this time it's of Ovidrel.

Feb-March was our first cycle with injectable meds. It took 12 shots and 5 monitoring appointments to get us where we needed to be. It didn't work out for us so we started treatment over again.

March-April was our second cycle with injectables. It took 20 shots and 8 monitoring appointments to get where we needed to be but it didn't work out for us again. We considered taking a break because all of the injections, doctor appointments, and high hopes only to be hurt in the end were becoming too much for us to handle. We pulled our strength and courage together and decided to move on to our 3rd round of injectables.

And that is where we are right now... moving on to try for a 2009 baby.

A few pics from our journey so far:

The meds arrive

Matt preparing during round 1 of injections

On our way into the hospital for round 2

Lots of waiting around in the hospital

Heading into Spring and Round 3!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008


After finding myself reading more and more blogs I decided to create one. Why not? A little self indulgent? Maybe. I enjoy reading about other's ideas, interests, and lives. Perhaps something I post will be interesting, helpful, or entertaining to someone out there. We'll see how this goes.

First, why for the love of Bob? Well, I do love Bob. Just about everyone does. Bob started out as a nickname given to my husband by friends. It evolved into his even funnier than self alter ego after a few cocktails. This was before we met. We're nearing our 30's and I still hear the question "will Bob be out tonight?" when visiting with friends. He's a fun guy who I was fortunate enough to marry. We're now on a journey to have a Baby Bob. Now, that's not really what we plan to name a baby-to-be but it's what we may affectionately refer to him/her as from time to time. I do hope our future child(ren) inherit his incredible sense of humor. He keeps me laughing, even through the tough times.