Tuesday, June 10, 2008

2nd ultra sound is tomorrow!!

Symptoms or no symptoms, I still worry. I worry that after waiting so long and going through what we did to get pregnant, we'll lose this baby. I try to let go of that worry and fear but deep down, it's still there and it's freaking me out at the moment.

We have our 2nd ultra sound tomorrow and I'm praying to see our baby's healthy heartbeat.

Matt always has a way of making things better/easier...
He just wrote me an email. He wrote about how much he is looking forward to tomorrow & about how he misses our "coffee & car rides together in the morning". We spent so many mornings, coffee in hand, sitting in traffic on our way to the hospital/RE's office. There were days where we were nervously silent almost the whole ride ... wishing the traffic out of they way so we could get to our ultra sound and see if my follicle(s) grew. Looking back, those car rides together were nice. I'm really thankful that he was able to go to those appointments with me where we were able to hold each others hands and keep each other positive. I'm sure he doesn't miss the other parts of infertility/treatments (or who knows, maybe he enjoyed giving me those shots in my belly?). I know he doesn't miss the heart ache and disappointment. I don't think either of us will ever forget what we went through, but I believe the struggles have made us even more thankful for this pregnancy than we may have been had we not gone through them.

This makes me think of something that I have seen posted on message boards & other blogs. Each time I've read it posted, the different ladies posting it have noted that the author doesn't mean she'll be a better mother than other mothers. It means that she'll be a better mother than she would have been if she had not endured.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life. Yes I will be a wonderful mother."


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