Fear and Hope

There are some days that I can't help but cry about what we're going through. I allow myself to have these moments and try to move on. Most of the time they are when I'm alone, in my car. The lyrics below make me feel ...not so alone.

It's So Hard by the Dixie Chicks,

Back when we started
We didn't know how hard it was
Living on nothing
But what the wind would bring to us
Now we've got something
I can imagine fighting for
So why is fighting all that we're good at anymore

And sometimes I don't have the energy
To prove everybody wrong
And I try my best to be strong
But you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard

It felt like a given
Something a woman's born to do
A natural ambition
To see a reflection of me and you

And I'd feel so guilty
If that was a gift I couldn't give
And could you be happy
If life wasn't how we pictured it

And sometimes I just want to wait it out
To prove everybody wrong
And I need your help to move on
Cause you know it's so hard
It's so hard

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
So hard

I can live for the moment
When all these clouds open up for me to see
And show me a vision
Of you and me swimming peacefully

Last night you told me
That you can't remember
How to feel free

It's so hard when it doesn't come easy
It's so hard when it doesn't come fast
It's so hard when it doesn't come easy, easy

It's so hard

-I never imagined that it would be this difficult to have a child. I never thought that I would have to fight my body the way it feels that I am, to prove my body wrong. I didn't think trying to conceive would make me feel so inadequate.
As with most things in life, it's easier said than done. It's easy to say "yes, we are going through infertility treatments & it's hard, but we're doing alright". To actually sit through the waiting at the doctors, the needles, the invasive ultra sounds, the hope, disappointment, & the pain of it all is more difficult than I know how to express. I think if the possibility of this working out was 100% sure, then the light at the end of the tunnel might not seem so far away. The fear of the unknown is overwhelming sometimes. What if this doesn't work, ever. How would we move on from the great desire of having a biological child? What if we do finally conceive and lose the baby? People will say "You can't think about those things" but the truth is, it's impossible not to. I'm not saying that I dwell on them because I don't, but the thoughts cross my mind and they really scare me.

Then I try to be positive and hopeful again. We've been listening to this song on the way to our appointments:

Dream Big, by Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband

When you cry, be sure to dry your eyes,
'Cause better days are sure to come.
And when you smile, be sure to smile wide,
And don't let them know that they have won.
And when you walk, walk with pride,
And don't show the hurt inside,
Because the pain will soon be gone.

(Chorus)
And when you dream, dream big,
As big as the ocean, blue.
'Cause when you dream it might come true.
But when you dream, dream big.

And when you laugh, be sure to laugh out loud,
'Cause it will carry all your cares away.
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself,
And it will help you feel okay.
And when you pray, pray for strength to help to carry on,
But when the troubles come your way.

(Chorus)
And when you dream, dream big,
As big as the ocean, blue.
'Cause when you dream it might come true.
But when you dream, dream big.

(Dream big.)
(Dream big.)

When you cry be sure to dry your eyes,
cause better days are sure to come.
And when you smile be sure to smile wide, and
don't let them know that they have won.
And when you laugh be sure to laugh out loud,
'Cause it will carry all your cares away.
And when you see, see the beauty all
around and in yourself, and it will help you feel okay.
And when you pray, pray for strength to
help to carry on when the troubles come your way.

Chorus 2x

-We are dreaming BIG.